Passing some very long moments in a clothing store recently, I picked up a little book they were selling called "First World Problems."
The book is a hilarious compendium of things Americans worry about, and none of them have anything to do with finding water that does not carry cholera, avoiding malaria and fleeing rampaging militants.
A First-World problem would be getting too much shrimp in the shrimp salad, or having to buy Evian because Morton's was out of Perrier. Or, "Gas is getting so expensive; I wish my Bentley got better mileage."
The book, of course, got me to thinking shallow thoughts about how I could make this into a column.
"First-World real estate problems," I thought to myself. "We've got plenty of those in Sarasota."
Among them:
--"I have to drive past so many ratty houses to get to my waterfront mansion."
--"The people across the street park their cars outside."
--"Those power lines are spoiling my view."
--"The property appraiser keeps raising my home's value. Thank God I'm homesteaded!"
--"I paid a $50,000 real estate commission and I still had to pay the $295 transaction fee!"
--"We were cruising Bird Key for homes for sale, and the one we liked wasn't on my Zillow app. We actually had to call the agent to get the price."
--"I love our new home. Wish my mother didn't have to drive past the adult store when she came over for dinner. At least my husband's car wasn't there."
--"My electric bill went through the roof in September! It was so cloudy, my PV panels wouldn't work."
--"When Bubil wrote about the Pagoda Garden, there was so much traffic on Casey Key Road that I couldn't get the Rolls out. We had to take the Porsche to the the Bijou for lunch."
--"Would someone please start a water taxi that stops at Lido Shores?"
--"If they build a roundabout at Fruitville, how am I ever going to get to the Ritz?"
--"I thought moving to Rivendell would get my kids into Pine View. Unfortunately, the apples haven't fallen far enough from the tree."
--"Nobody at the club wants all the mangoes my tree produced this year."
--"Jeff Vinik demolished the mansion down the street. The noise was unbearable."
--"Pat Neal built his 9,000th home and the buyers got their picture in the paper. But not us. We bought No. 4,783."
--"We stopped paying our mortgage three years ago, and would you believe the bank is kicking us out? Don't they have bigger fish to fry?"
--"Don Saba says our lot is worth way more than our house. Why, why, did I buy on the bay?"
